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3 reasons why ‘tough love’ rarely works 1.) ‘Tough love’ often comes from a position of superiority and detachment The poor and broken hearted don’t need others to tell them that their lives are messed up. They already know that. When others who have never experienced anything remotely close to the anxiety and uncertainty that comes from living a life on the margins (myself included) try to ‘intervene’, claiming to have the all of the answers, it often comes across more arrogant than compassionate. 2.) ‘Tough love’ doesn’t call out the best in us Studies, like those conducted by Daniel Goleman, author of, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships, describe how positive encouragement stimulates the part of the brain that enhances mental abilities such as, “Creative thinking, cognitive flexibility, and the processing of information”, the very mental capacities most needed for people to come up with solutions to their own problems. However, messages that are consistently negative and focus on an individuals faults and flaws, are only likely to increase feelings of stress, fear and anxiety, further restricting the horizon of possibilities for individuals and communities trying to break out of often strongly engrained patterns of predictably harmful behaviours. 3.) ‘Tough love’ is often guided by selfish motivations It can easily become a veil for those with power to define solutions for others on their own terms. Those who advocate for ‘tough love’ often hope that the outcome will be quick, decisive and final, whilst sending a strong message to others, “Don’t even think about doing the same.” What such an approach fails to recognise is that people don’t choose poverty or dysfunction. Such circumstances are often the result of a complex set of historical, social and environmental factors, that can take years of counselling, support, training and empowerment to overcome.

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