Carrie: My Zen teacher also said: the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not worry about the future. Of course, he died penniless and single.

Okay…so it’s been almost a year and a half that I’ve been totally single….I’m not complaining.  I think after the last LOSER I was with…I definitely needed to take a sabbatical.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been on the occasional tryst w/ some victims here and there, but nothing too serious.  Nothing that makes my heart stop and my belly feel like there are a million butterflies waiting to fly out.  I miss that.  I miss that silliness you feel when you find yourself in adoration with someone. 

I guess for a while I’ve been guilty of commitment phobia.   I let myself like someone but then find some fault to make me not get too close, or else I get involved with men that also have commitment phobia so that I know it will never get to be too much.  I also am guilty of pursuing men that I know are just not emotionally available.  There. I said it.  The first part is admitting it, right?

So, have I let my past relationships jade me?  Have I built my walls up sooo high that no man is willing to climb them? I hate dates. I hate that whole “getting to know you” first step.  It feels like an interview and I honestly feel like both parties say what’s great about themselves….it’s basically like you have to sale yourself to the other person. 

At the same time, I have my parents nagging me to “just settle down.” Duh…do you think I want to be a single spinster all my life? Nooo…..I just don’t want to “settle” with someone and regret it.   I don’t want to be like some of my girlfriends who complain about their relationships all day and then still stay w/ the scoundrel.  I have the mentality that I’d rather be alone than be miserable.  I don’t think you can meet Mr. Right if you’re still hanging on to Mr. Wrong.  But is there a Mr. Right or should I just settle for Mr. Alright?

I’m truly boggled….but until then…I’ll keep singling and mingling!